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Oh, you poor darling, stumbling across this shite, um, site. Did someone send you...? Is Uncle Google unwell...?! Oh well, you're here now, so while you wait for another page to load feel free to tune into my brain as it explodes words all over the page... On a good day some may end up randomly coherent and somewhat meaningful... On an awesome day, I will just throw shit and see what sticks.


Your experience here will be greatly rewarded if you have a working knowledge of 'Survivor' (the understated, barely-known American reality show, not the ridiculous, be-mulleted band), 'Today' (Australian version avec Karl Stefanovic and co. [don't get me started, just watch the clip in my first post...]), 'Judge Judy' (again, wha...?), insomnia (not the Christopher Nolan film) and (last, but methinks most) decent music.


And it would possibly help if your literacy skills could keep up with my over-convoluted, ridiculously complicated (over-grammarised, I hear... and could be marred by totally invented wordicles...), tangent-laden sentences. Say what? Nothin... Just ignore me.


xxx



Sunday 13 November 2011

Meh to Love...

If Love is so fucking great, then why do I see it constantly making people miserable...? 
Seriously, it's starting to do my head in. Like, I get it: it feels good to be loved; it feels worthwhile; it feels almost magickal when someone you find so special sees something akin in you. That's kinda what it is, isn't it?


You know, the word is not even making sense to me anymore. For a while, I've been contemplating, philosophising, researching and obsessing about what it means to me; now it kinda looks like sludge. And my opinion of it becomes murkier all the time. I am thinking I am not such a fan...It is a word. No more. And it has too many definitions to have any real meaning any more. It has turned to the white noise of a vacant apology... What the fuck does it actually mean? It's an 'everything' word... This is the English language on an epic fail. How can the same word be used to describe a feeling you have for your partner, and your favourite inanimate object, and your guiltiest pleasure? (....'less they're the same thing...? eek!) Every single thing can be loved, and love can be used as anything... noun: the concept of 'Love'... verb: 'I love...(insert abso-freakin-lutely anything)... (shit, did that sound bad...?) ' adjective: lovely, loving. 

There should be more rules on using the word 'love'... or at least we need to think about our own rules for how we use it... I wonder if hoping children will eventually respond to the cooed 'I love you' with a garbled 'I love you too' is a good thing. Is this not a kind of response training? Are they not being set-up to think that is the 'right' thing to say? Eugh... it hurties my head!

So to be clear, because I have to, I am specifically all fucked up about Romantic Love... The Love that the Greeks (...in their infinite wisdom of having more than one friggin word to describe a multitude of experiences, feelings and attitudes...) call 'Eros'. Quick definition: This is the passionate love full of longing and intimacy felt for someone you love more than a friend. It applies to 'dating' relationships and marriage. 
I'm not talking 'Philia': mateship. Or 'Agape': unconditional love, specifically designed to express the love of 'greatness', of the truly 'awesome'... our children, our gods; the things we would doubtlessly die for. I am taking issue with our urge to 'mate', our want of a companion and lover to share our lives with. Romantic Love. Eros.

The problem seems to be this... Two people are using exactly the same term to describe two totally different experiences. And it seems in the majority of cases the way one person loves is how they expect to be loved by another. We all have our own notion of what it means to love and be loved. And I am not seeing a whole lot of these definitions meshing long-term. So, of course, I have to question the idea of 'mating for life'... And I get this rarely happens, but if it were in any way a natural inclination then WHY in the fuck are there so many fidelity issues? And why are we all still running around trying to find our friggin 'soulmates', 'life partners', husbands, wives... Our One True Love...? And really, if there is one thing that screams religious influence it is the idea of divorce-free monogamy. One god... one partner... one way of thinking. Kill me.

Love has to be a chemical thing. There is no way to make sense of it in any other way.
(unless of course I again regress to my default 'Humans Are Fucking Idiots' position... I can stop myself thinking about any People Drama with a superior eye roll and a turned back) But I know clever, funny, loyal, awesome people can fall in love too. And I know clever, funny, loyal, awesome people who struggle with this shit, so if me blurting bullshit to a blog gives them a point of reference and a sense of not feeling so confused, then good. Love can't be total stupidity, hence I am blaming the chemicals... 

I keep thinking of a line from Arrested Development: Tobias and Lindsay are sitting on the end of the bed talking about how they can fix their marriage, and broach the idea of the Open Marriage 'where the couple remain emotionally committed but free to explore extra-marital encounters. Says Lindsay: And does it work for those people? Tobias: No. It never does. I mean these people delude themselves into somehow thinking it might... but...Hmm, it might work for us. And I mean that in context of getting into relationships in general... They work in the odd faerytale instance, but everytime somethng presents itself to us, we're like...'Hmm... maybe this time'.

Okay, I am just seeing that I think this is just my introduction, so before I give myself a headache or make a readers brain explode, I shall 'post' and add more as it comes to hand. Cos holy crap... I am done with being all confused, annoyed and frustrated at both loving someone and being loved. And I am sick of trying to work out what is wrong with me. 

I be perfection... The friggin world needs to catch up.

xxx

PS. Oh and please... If anyone friggin 'awww's' me or thinks me or my idea needs pity... save it for someone or something that needs it. I beg of thee... This isn't the boo-hoo-ing of a sad-sack, lovelorn doormat. But ya get that. Don't ya? 

10 comments:

  1. I agree about the language catch up issue. In reality, language is a creation to express thought and feeling and it so happens that it is inefficient in many ways.

    I happen to be someone who has found that 'soul mate' that you talk about and as it happens, I wasn't looking. I am not naive enough to think that having that person means a perfect and uncomplicated relationship, in fact it's having someone who can go through changes and accept your changes, confusions, mistakes (need I go on?) and still want to hold your hand on the journey that makes for an interesting and fulfilling partnership. For the record, I have never used the L word until now, in an Eros sense, that is.

    That said, I take your point about the doctrine of marriage and mating for life. It's not a one size fits all kinda gig and I don't believe for a second that it's something innate, programmed. If anything, we are bullied into the idea from every angle, every friggin 'romantic' movie tells us that all will be well if we find that Mr or Ms right! And we start 'em on the idea young (we being us, the society, the human race, 'em being the poor souls adding to it) with fairy tale princes and frogs, magically turning into the dream man with one kiss. Come on, tell me you haven't ever been in a 'they'll change for me' relationship.

    In my experience, that word is flung around far too often and far too soon. But why do we give it such value in the first place? Because we're told that 'those three little words' are something to hang our lives on, when in fact, the real, deep connection with another human being is something language fails miserably at articulating.

    When I wrote my wedding vows I looked at poetry, love songs, even good old Willy Shakey, for inspiration and in the end found myself thinking...'none of this works!' This is all a reflection of someone else's love, someone else's feeling. Not one single word was my own, I tried to think of new and interesting ways to express my feelings but in fact, there is no real way. I think it's one of those feelings that just can't be articulated properly and the fact that we attempt (and fail) only serves to devalue it more. We throw around the L word and hope that one day someone will say it back (your programmed response idea.) People have babies to fulfill some need for unconditional love only to discover that kids grow up and then what?

    I think that we should ban the word and accept that there are some things that either (depending on your view point) don't need to, or can not be articulated it a single, all encompassing word.

    A longer response than I'd planned but you got me on a roll. Maybe I should write a blog... :p

    P.S. This is only A Nonny Mouse because I don't understand the other options/don't have the necessary accounts/am generally not linkedin enough.

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  2. Nonny... :)

    First of all thank-you for taking the time to put your thoughts into words for me... (and some lovely words there are!) It is sincerely appreciated. :D
    It's nearly challenging to get My Hard Arse Bitch on in order to respond to such a lovely post.

    I guess the main thing I would take you to task on is the fact that you have 'found you Soulmate'... Cos how do you know? You're still breathing. Anything could happen. The thing that weirds me out about Soulmate and Life Partners, is you have to actually BE dead before you get it right... Until 'death do you part' anything can go wrong... What about those couples that have been together like 40 years and suddenly say 'fuck it'? 'Soulmates' if they do happen to exist, would seem to me to be out of the realm of the Eros love anyways... Much more of a deep Agape thing. Again, Love fucks with our heads.

    Now, my little Nonny Mouse, I really hope you keep following this thread, cos as i said, I had to stop myself. I have a lot of unfinished thoughts. My next post on this topic, I think will be on how the things we fall in love with are the things we ultimately wanna wring necks over.

    Also, I am hoping one of my smart friends with lots of bits of paper reads this and brings a bit of socio-linguistics into the mix.

    I wish I was an etymologist... I like insects.

    xoxox Happy thoughts.... xD

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  3. I think we should all just give up on love, go live in a commune and smoke peyote all day, much more productive! (I'm not one for lots of words... but yepp, I agree with all the nonsense above :P)

    Irish!!

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  4. I was trying to sell a similar concept yesterday. Friends hangin out and growing old together and going all Cocoon on everyone's arse, but without the use of alien eggs in the pool. That is just ick. Peyote sounds better. :)

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  5. Call it what you want to it`s what you want it to be or what you percive it to be. I`ve never read to much into it some can and do mate for life some are trapped for life but hey thats their choice and yes we all do have a choice.Just go with the flow and if it`s not what you thought it would be it could be your fault it could be their fault but instead of faulting people maybe we should learn to adapt and get together with more like minded people.Jealousy always makes love crack and creak so maybe thats the issue here peoples own issues and not what they perceived love to be.Just saying we can go all our life to find our soul mate but what about when we`re living we still need to feel good about ourselves and if being with some one full time is your thing do it ,if it`s not don`t force people into anything they don`t want just to justify your own needs(or what you thought you needed).Learn to be with someone rather than trying to control someone you`ll find yourself getting surrounded by people you actually like and want to be around.Or maybe thats just me and my thoughts rambling on and on again but hey if ya wanna stop reading just stop, I aint making ya read it.

    Buff

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  6. Again.. just curious. Is that 'love advice' aimed particularly at me, cos it is assumed I am feeling unloved? I am more than willing to suggest i am being defensive... but just checking.

    Buff, I agree with a lot of what you are saying. The main point I am wishing to make is that it is EQUALLY ok to NOT want a Soulmate. It is NOT a sign of disease; it is NOT a sign of disfunction; it is NOT a sign of weakness, or hopelessness, or 'giving up'.

    I think it would be wonderful to see a day where relationships stopped ending through 'fault' and started ending because both parties honestly acknowledge that things have changed. And as much as i am sure that sounds blase, I don;t mean in a Kim Kardashian '72 days of irreconcilable differences' way. I understand the work that goes into long-term relationships; I was a huge proponent of the word 'compromise' for a very long time...

    The bottom line is I don't WANT to learn to 'be with' someone... Nor do I want to control them. And I must be doing something right, because I am certainly surrounded by people I like and want to be around. And for the most part they like and want to be around me.

    I am thinking about relationships and monogamy and how the people I hear talk about their romantic relationships generally have very little good to say. And as I said, I am offering up the view that we blame Society. *smirks...*

    Oh, and on jealousy... I've had lovers pissed off at me cos I DON'T get jealous. Apparently it is not a sign of me trusting them (or knowing I am such damn hot shit they won't do any better...) Me not having a hissy fit about some flirting means I just don't care. See? Relationships: damned if you do... fucking strangers for life if ya don't...

    *shruggedy-dug*

    Cheers Buff!

    :)

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  7. I totally agree with 95 % off what you say specially on the jealousy and the not needing a partner thing , maybe i didn`t come accross very well but my point was just do what makes YOU feel happy and if that`s with someone fairy nuff if not so be it , it`s your life and yours only to live.I don`t get jealous either never have never will I try to just do what makes me feel good and in by doing good to me others around me feel the benefit.
    So don`t mistake my ramblings for anything else I just think we all should live life as we please and as long as we treat everyone with respect theres no harm in how you live.
    And NO it wasn`t aimed at you I wouldn`t be so condescending to anyone it was just how i see things and if people don`t agree with my views again fairy nuff thats there choice.
    So basically everyone has a choice and they should start useing their choice instead of making others feel uneasy(which is usually a sigh of jealousy).
    If i upset you it wasn`t intented again it was just the ramblings of a comfortable with himself middle aged bloke
    Cheers Buff

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  8. Yep... I hear ya.

    And MY point is it is all very well for people to say 'do what makes YOU feel right' but another thing altogether to be the person who actually swims against the tide because what is 'right' for you is so alien to the majority. It is tiring.

    Perhaps I am ultimately too sensitive to what others think of me; but I am conscious of the fact that my choices effect/affect many other people. It is my life and only mine, but it is intimately connected to many others.

    But ultimately what I want is dialogue... so thanks again Buff.

    There's a new post coming... hopefully more to ponder.

    x

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  9. well I hope you can find that happy medium then frisky

    Buff

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  10. lol Buff... cheers!

    Thanks for reading. x

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